


124 Days

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Accident, Coping, Death, Early Death, Gen, Grief, Heartbreak, Loss, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 04:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4045984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm afraid there's been an accident..."<br/>TW - death, suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	124 Days

_ 0 Days _

“Mr Lester? Can we come in?”

I stared at the police officers standing at the door. Both looked exhausted, and there was a splatter of blood on the uniform of one of them. In an instant, my mind flooded with dread – what was wrong?

“We believe you were in a relationship with Daniel Howell?”

I nodded, my breath caught in my throat.

“I'm afraid there's been an accident, Mr Howell has passed away...”

I don't know when I started screaming, but I know that by the time I stopped, the officers were gone.

* * *

 

_ 2 Days _

I've been sleeping in your bed for the last few nights. It still smells just like you, of your stupid manly shower gel, and a little of sweat. 

I can't believe you're never coming back.

* * *

 

_ 5 Da _ _ ys _

It was your funeral today, and I swear to god I almost threw up. You'd have hated your funeral, but we were all dressed like you – in black. When I thought of that I smiled, but then the crushing weight of your absence overtook me and I was gasping, gasping for air. Your mum held my hand and we got through it together, our tears running down the sleeves of our clothing and mingling on our hands. 

* * *

 

_ 9 Days _

I made a video today. I had to. Just to...to let everyone know. People had been commenting anyway, demanding to know why you hadn't updated your twitter or tumblr or YouTube. My video was less than a minute long, and I looked so awful – there were bags under my eyes, and I was paler than usual. This time I did throw up, and I stopped the camera and heaved and heaved and heaved.

* * *

 

_ 10 Days _

Louise came over today. It's not the same without you.

* * *

 

_ 30 Days _

A month? How have I gone a month without you? Your room is still exactly as you left it. You've got clothes crumpled on the floor, and I almost laughed when I found a used condom. Not exactly the most romantic thing. I opened your wardrobe and I sat in there for almost an hour, just smelling the clothes. Your smell. I retrieved my T-shirt – why you'd taken it, I don't know - and left.

I'm reminded why jars of sauce made for two are a bad idea.

I made two plates of lunch, and no one was there to eat the second one.

* * *

 

_ 47 Days _

I ran into your room this morning to tell you something, but you weren't there.

So I texted you, but your number had been disconnected.

I've started sending Facebook messages instead. Your account's in memorial, but I can still send messages. I don't care if you'll never read them, I need to send them.

I love you, Dan. So much.

* * *

 

_ 96 Days _

Your birthday was the worst thing I've ever experienced. The grief from that first day hit me hard again, and I was gasping for air as it hit me over and over again, I'll never get to say goodbye, I'll never get to see you again. You'll never hold me close again. You'll never tell me that you love me.

 

I don't know how much more I can survive.

* * *

 

_ 108 Days _

To whoever finds this,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for doing this. I know it's the cowards way out, but I cannot do this any more. You don't know what torture it's been trying to live in this fucking flat without him. Living itself is a torture. Seeing his bedroom, the furniture he picked out, his computer, everything all day every day, it's too much.

I miss him.

I love you all. I made a will. There's a video on my channel scheduled to publish in 24 hours. If it goes up...well, I'm gone.

I love you.

-Phil

* * *

 

_ 109 Days _

“Please, guys, I don't care what happens, just hold on. Life is worth so much. The last three months have been impossible...I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. My videos will always be there for you, and my tweets, and my tumblr. If you ever need me, I'll still be there. I love you all so much. Thanks for coming along on the ride.”

* * *

 

_ 110 Days _

_ Notable YouTube vlogger Phil Lester (AmazingPhil) has been reported dead. The death has been attributed to asphyxiation by hanging, and no foul play is suspected. Investigations are under way. _

* * *

 

_ 124 Days _

_ Here lies Daniel Howell, 11 June 1991 – March 7 th 2016 _

_ Beloved husband, son and entertainer. Heaven gained another angel. _

_ Also _

_ Phil Lester, 30 th January 1987 – 23 rd June 2016 _

_ Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. _

 


End file.
